Luck in Desperation

While everyone…

…goes on dates, or gets in a serious relationship, or starts having babies (not jealous of that, actually), or moves in with their spouse…I’ll just be over here. Smokin’ weed and playin’ Paper Mario on the Wii. 

I’m winning in life.

Letter.

I found a letter that’s probably close to a year old. I had written it for someone with the intention of never giving it to them. To get whatever I was feeling off my chest and on to a piece of paper. And now, I decided to share it on the interwebs.

“I don’t want to hate you because I never wanted anything from you. Making out and whatever our almost hookups were, were fun while they lasted but I never wanted anything from you. But why is your bbm status conversations bothering me? Probably because when I asked you about them you said it was nothing. You’re clearly having a conversation with someone, I don’t understand why you’d lie to me about it?! I think we both knew nothing would happen between us so why get super fucking weird? Oh, because you’re oh-so-protective about your personal life. I get that not everyone’s personal life is an open book for everyone to read, yours is no exception. But I’m not a stranger in your life anymore, although we’re both making it that way.

Anyways, I just ask simple questions and you lie to me about them. For what purpose? Who are you trying to protect? Definitely not me. Lying hurts me. It cuts me to the core. That sounds SO cliche but it’s the god damn truth. It’s people like you that make me have trust issues. Break it once and it never fully comes back. I shouldn’t even feel bad about that but sometimes I do. You once told me that I need to open up to people but once my wall started to come down you gave me a reason to build it stronger and higher. I used to think I couldn’t be friends with you because I was developing feelings. However, I don’t think I can be friends with you because of how you treat people when you claim to be a completely different person. I think that’s the real reason. We’ll see. We’ll see how things are next time we hang out. I’m not expecting miracles by any means. Last time we hung out was uncomfortable as fuck.

So… whatever. I guess it is what it is. We don’t owe each other anything. I wonder when I’ll finally get that through my head and accept that. Hopefully sometime soon.”

Yup, and I’m no longer really friends with this person. They really were someone completely different from who they said they were.

Weddings.

So, I had this fucking weird/intense dream last night and I really needed to write it down so I wouldn’t forget it. I’m already starting to lose some of it and I’ve only been up for half an hour.

So, it started with Simon and I were getting married. Yeah. Yeeeah. What the hell subconscious? Anyways. In my eyes, we were just have a mock wedding. However, and somehow, I already had a dress (and may I say, I looked fabulous!). It was a weekend wedding. We were getting married on a Saturday and we were in a beautiful location. Sun, sand, and water. But not necessarily tropical. However, it was gorgeous. Definitely not here. Anyways, we were waiting on our photographer. Why we were having a photographer for a mock wedding, I’ll never know. Maybe I just wanted the pictures and that’s it?! Who knows. So, turns out our photographer was a complete flake and took off. When she came back I was all WTF with her and she straight up, just didn’t care. It probably wasn’t a concern of hers as it was a MOCK WEDDING. lol

So, mock wedding or not, the pews of the church (but it didn’t really look like a church, aside for the pews) were filled with people. My family was there. I’m assuming his. I’m not entirely sure if they knew if it was a mock wedding or not but regardless, they came. I’m a little fuzzy on the details now, but the mock wedding never took place on the Saturday. Maybe I was too pissed off about the whole photographer fiasco, or maybe I was drunk in my dream, I really don’t know, but it didn’t happen.

Skipping to Sunday, we decide to give it another go. HOWEVER, Simon gets drunk. We’re all back in the pews, and yes, I’m sitting in the pew with my parents, most specifically my mom - when Simon goes up to the podium to make a speech or an announcement — regardless, he’s going to say something.

So, he’s up there. He’s drunk and he’s YELLING in to the microphone. He then calls me up (I’m no longer in my wedding dress, fyi) to the podium in a very drunk, slurring his words and in sort of a mean way. I get up there and I say hello to the crowd and thank them for coming. Simon decides to walk away. I say “No, no. This is your idea. Say what you want.” I think he may have mentioned something about not having a wedding, I can’t remember. What I do remember is, okay. You know how on TV shows when two of the characters need to have a talk from the rest of the group and they move like, two-feet away from their group of friends to have a “private discussion”? Well, that’s exactly what I did with Simon. Instead of being in front of the podium, we moved two feet, directly beside it but behind a curtain of some sorts. I’m sure people could still hear us though. Anyways, moving along. So now Simon doesn’t look like the same Simon I know. Somehow, and I don’t even know how or why this happened, his appearance has changed completely. He looks like a brother/twin of Steph’s husband, Randy. Which is fucking WEIRD. But he’s still Simon, just looks different. And I don’t freak out or even notice, really. I just ask him if he actually thought us getting married was real.

And here’s where it gets sad. He gets this sad puppy dog look on his face and looks like he’s almost going to cry. He says “Yes, I thought we were getting married this weekend.” I feel horrible. Why did he not know this was a mock wedding like I did?! So, I stand on my tippy toes with my arms resting on his shoulders and I say “But we don’t know each other that well, Simon. We’ve only hung out a couple of times.” And the Simon/Randy look-a-like says “But I enjoyed those times and I figured it was enough to get married.” I apologised to him for thinking it was real but that I wasn’t going to marry him.

I’ll never forget the pain on his face. He was so, so hurt by it all. And then we all had to stay in this hotel place for a couple of days. And for some reason me, Simon and my brother were all in the same room, just hanging out. There was a lot of avoiding each other, you know, to make things awkward ‘cause why not?! Eventually, the end of my dream was things were okay with Simon and I again. We talked to each other and didn’t avoid each other and all seemed well. And that’s when I woke up.

What in holy fucking hell was THAT about?! Such a weird dream. A) Weird for me to be dreaming about a wedding that wasn’t for a marriage B) Weird for me to be dreaming about Simon and C) Weird for me to dream of Simon’s physical appearance to change in to Steph’s HUSBAND (who is sooooo not even good looking, imo). That poor fake/dream Simon though. I really broke his heart.

Do people ever read this? Or is it just me?

Please, tickle my curiosity and answer.